35

well, now i'm finally 35... I've called myself 35 for a long time--i think since i was about 32.
that's a behavior born of scrounging for legitimacy. you see, when you look like this:


and you roll with church folks, sometimes the only hope you have for a shred of legitimacy in their eyes is to be...older. they might say, "well, he's lived this long, so he can't be as stupid as he looks..."

35 is the age I set for myself in my twenties for the commencement of my tattooing. I figured that by that age, I'd have some sense of what i did and didn't want to have indelibly sagging with my body's slough into old age... by 35 you know what direction things are headed...

at this point, i have no inclination at all toward any tattoos. none. sure, i think about it from time to time, but there's just nothing in me that compels me beyond the ridiculous price of skin art... i'd rather buy real art. i mean art that hangs on walls, not that skin art is not "real".

there are a couple of dudes in my church with good tattoos. i like JP's man in the fire. I like Danielmatt's hebrew in a circle around a dove...
...so tatts aren't really on for now...

and legitimacy? Well, I gave up on that years back. Searching for legitimacy in the eyes of other people dishonors the great love with which God has loved me in Christ, just as I am. Trying to become something else is a departure from the truth. I am NOT a professional religious, nor am I any other thing that people might hope to pen me in with. I belong to Jesus...

this is my deepest identity: I belong to Jesus. I am the Lew whom Jesus is loving, today. This is my tower of strength. This is my foundation. Jesus, Himself is loving me. This is me at 35.

My greatest discipline is to live in that reality more deeply. I've gone ahead and left self-improvement and wealth-chasing and stuff like that on the side of the road. I'm being chased by Jesus. I'm letting Him catch me. That's my daily discipline... if you can label that as a discipline...

my hope for the rest of my life is that i can give myself more and more deeply into being caught by Jesus, whether I'm falling or running... eventually, I can see myself seated in His hand, kind of reclining like a child, but I'm old and grey and ready to come home.

we may see that...